Important soccer stuff

Having now watched many hours of European and British soccer action, I believe that I now have what it takes to be a professional soccer player. Of course, I'm not very fast or strong, and I've never been good at kicking the ball with either power or accuracy. But yes, I've mastered soccer's 3 important expressions.

First, there's the face on both hands, followed immediately by a pleading look skyward. This is what you do when you've missed a wide-open goal from maybe 10 yards out and instead kicked the ball into the upper tier of the stadium. No further explanation needed, right?

Second, there is the two arms stretched out and up in the air along with a confused and exasperated facial expression. Whenever a player from one team makes contact with someone from the other team, everyone within 10 feet or so on both teams is required to immediately take this stance as if to say to the referee, "How could you not call a foul on the other team? Are you blind?"

And finally, there is the pained expression. All players are required to make this expression whenever any opposing player touches them. For maximum impact, it is recommended that you begin making that face a split second before you actually get hit, so that there is no delay in the display of agony. This is usually done along with a headlong dive and grabbing of one leg, which need not be the leg that was hit. If done properly, this virtually guarantees that a yellow card will be given to the player who fouled or appeared as if he might be fouling.

That seems to be it, so I'm ready to go, don't you think?