Emerging from the cave

So yesterday I awoke and became aware of having something that seemed distant but familiar. It was a thought. My brain had a thought. Yes, I seem to have reduced my medication enough that my brain suddenly switched itself back on.

It was a little overwhelming at first, and strange to realize that I'd spent the last month basically not thinking. I mean, I remembered to walk the dog and go to the bathroom and such, but beyond any moment's necessity? Nothing. It's odd to contemplate what this is like, even from the very near outside. I think I did my taxes, because I have completed returns sitting here, but I don't really remember doing it.

It was sort of like I was in suspended animation. I think the brain goes into some kind of shock to try to mitigate the kind of incessant, intense pain that I lived with for several weeks, just as the body goes into shock when it sustains a catastrophic injury. The body is an amazingly adaptive piece of work.

So I wish I could say that the sensation upon returning to consciousness was, "Hey, I'm back! Yay! Let's party!" But to say that would be something between exaggeration and outright falsehood. Yes, it's exhilarating, but it's truly overwhelming as well. On one hand I'm able to go out and do things, like drive for the first time in 5 weeks. On the other hand, I return feeling shaky and slightly ill.

I'm sure this is a consequence of my extreme inactivity (as in around 22-23 out of 24 hours spent lying down for 5 weeks, except for those nights when I had to pace for several hours to distract myself from the pain). Not helping the situation, I'm guessing, is that one (or both or the combination) of the medications depresses may appetite, causing me to lose another 5 pounds on top of the 13 I'd lost intentionally.

I'm by no means underweight, but I've entered the range of medically acceptable rates for people my age and height, which given my build I should do no more than enter. (As an aside, next to the "ideal weight" number on the calculator I used was this note:Women tend to imagine their ideal weight is unrealistically low, so they diet unnecessarily. Men tend to allow their ideal weight to be higher than medically recommended. Men and Women should learn from each other.)These last 5 pounds have disappeared in the past 10 days, which is simply too fast for the body to adjust. I have not weighed this little in about 30 years and my face looks different.

The good thing is that I was in, for me anyway, great shape when I got sick. The bad thing is, well, I've been sick and my body is weakened anyway.

The other thing is that the pain, though now more manageable, is by no means gone, and I'm having mixed success in matching my medication to the pain level. So I'm having extended periods (6 hours or more) of pretty serious discomfort.

All told, this makes a decision on returning to work difficult at best. My current plan is to return very part time, to teach 1 out of 4 classes and attend some meetings. I'm not 100% positive that will be workable. If I had to go back today I couldn't. Maybe Monday will be better.