Frank opts for the patdown

Today I had my first official airport patdown. We were on our way to Martha's Vineyard and had to change planes in Boston. The flight up was completely uneventful, just like you want flights to be. Smooth, on time, all that.

We walked to the neighboring terminal (Airport information agent: Easy walk. Others in my party: LONG walk) to take the little prop plane over to the Vineyard. We were laughing because I realized I'd bought bottles of water for everyone after security in Philly, but because we'd changed terminals the inside-security bottles were now outside-security bottles and I was now going to have to throw them all out to go through security again. 

Then, the TSA guy started shuttling everyone away from the metal detector and into the full body scanner. I had made up my mind previously that if faced with this that I was going to refuse and get felt up instead. Because that's just the kind of guy I am. I just figured I'd rather let somebody touch my stuff (or at least my clothes over my stuff) than take on any more radiation.

The agent seemed mildly annoyed and shunted me aside to wait for a "Male Patdown on Number 7!" I waited for several minutes until I was mildly annoyed as well at which time I started bugging him and soon a tall young man came over, picked up all my bags and my shoes and led me to the edge of the security area.

The rest of my family, who had already been quickly scanned, came over to watch and heckle. The guy told me he was going to touch my shoulders, chest, torso and legs, and that he would use the back of his hands to touch my buttocks and groin. Everyone found this all very amusing and my wife asked if she could do it too.

It was not at all uncomfortable. I told him they pat me down every time I go to a ballgame so I'm used to random guys touching me, which made him laugh. After doing the front-of-hands parts he announced that he'd be now using the backs of his hands. As he felt around, I said it reminded me of that Friends episode with Joey's tailor. Which made the TSA guy and my family laugh.

So of course he didn't find anything improper and I felt reasonably assured that if I had been carrying something improper that he would have found it. There was nothing sketchy or humiliating about it. Off to the gate we went. I guess if I was short for time this might have been a problem, but if not I can't say anything bad about the process.