The consequences of caring

Note: If you're reading this expecting entertainment, you will be disappointed. If you're in the mood for reflective thought and, for better or worse, a dose of my own personal self-awareness you're in the right place.

So now my part of this is over. I'm heading home in the morning and then off to Florida with Ronnie the next day for a well-earned vacation. I've moved over to a hotel near the airport because I have a 6AM departure tomorrow. Whatever. I am completely disoriented as to what time or day it is at this point. Going into a situation this intense while completely exhausted has made the whole experience surreal.

Today was actually very low key. I went for a walk with my sister this morning. She's an excellent walking companion. Keeps a good pace, happy to talk or not talk. From basically nothing we've fashioned a pretty nice relationship over the past few years. It's a nice part of my life. We're pretty different but still have a lot in common, as one might expect from siblings 10 years apart in age and different genders but from the same family. There's a lot of my mom in both of us. We spent the afternoon just hanging out, we bought groceries, my sister made dinner, we all ate dinner. And it was great. She'll be here for a couple of more days, which will be great for everyone.

If nothing else, this trip has reminded me of the value of knowing what to hold onto and what to let go of. This is a struggle for me as a general rule, and the reminder doesn't necessarily make it easier but it does make it easier to see the necessity. Cute sentence structure aside, this is an important thing for me, because I've realized just over the past year or so that one of the results of being the person I am is that I can't not notice and I can't not understand and I can't not care. I have longed for the ability to transform myself into the clueless sitcom dad/guy who remains oblivious to whatever is going on around him. But it's not happening. I'm oblivious to almost nothing, and that's a problem if you can't let things go.

This was a goal for me during this break. I've gotten myself way too deep into too many things and needed some space to see my way out. I don't regret anything I've done, but I'm not really big on setting limits for myself (okay, maybe I should just say I'm not good at it) and I've always had confidence that I could take anything on and handle it. And I kind of can do that, but I'm now more aware of the emotional toll it takes. I'm a relative newcomer to emotional intelligence, so I'm always learning.

None of this has anything to do with today in particular. It's more that I've either hopped or tumbled off the treadmill, depending on whether or not you believe that the getting off was intentional. I think I knew it was necessary, and if coming into a end of life event doesn't shake you up a bit, there's something wrong with you. But more than that there is my relationship with my still living and breathing family, and these are the kinds of events that either pull you together or drive you apart. Fortunately, this was full of thankfulness and caring and genuine love. And let that be a lesson to me about what's really important. My cousins will struggle with the loss of their father but they will move on, in ways more positive than not.

The consequences of caring can affect you in all kinds of ways. I'll be the first to admit that I let them get the better of me from time to time, but I'd rather be out there and learn to deal with it than avoid the engagement in the first place. Most of my caring about people has been rewarding and soulful and in some cases really important to the people I care about. And I'll take the fallout any day, and in most cases not only don't I regret it but I'd probably do the same thing the next time around. I'll know how to handle things better but I don't think I'd change what I did.

I tell my students that one of the key questions you need to ask yourself are "Where am I and what am I doing?" And add in "how am I doing?" Well I'm here, and I'm being me, and I'm doing okay. And I'm heading home in a few hours. Things are good.