Three is most likely not a charm, but this is part 3

Where did that saying about 3 ever come from? You fail twice and then succeed the third time and that's some sort of charm? How about persistence and learning from experience? We send such inconsistent messages in this society. Sigh.

So somehow I found myself in Aspen on July 10. I had been in Aspen once before as a young teenager, late 1960's and remembered nothing about it. I don't think it was quite as chi-chi as it is now. It was a charming ski resort and I'm not sure what else. It certainly isn't near anything else.

I mentioned that this thing I was attending was called a retreat. I was viewing it as some sort of cross between an conference and a group therapy workshop. I actually can't write much about specifics here, because we took a confidentiality pledge. But I can tell you that by the time the first thing on the schedule came around, that I was not of a mind to retreat at all. I  had no intention of holding anything back.

This is not something I naturally do. I tend to be reticent in situations of any seriousness, preferring to stay on the periphery and listen. But I came into this situation emotionally raw and ambivalent about being there in the first place, so I just said what was on my mind. I'm used to people who know me paying attention to what I say because I'm a teacher and the students' families are paying good money to have them listen to me. And of course my friends listen to me because they're my friends, and I don't really care that much about anybody else.

But I was surprised to find that whatever I said resonated with a bunch of people. I think that has to do with the generational differences on wealth and philanthropy. The older generation, like my dad, never told their kids anything of any importance about inheritance and the like. I think what I said was along those lines and people responded.

The first night was a dinner and a warmup, but it set the tone for what happened the next day, when we explored our own particulars and commonalities in large groups, small groups and pairs. Maybe it was all interesting, or maybe I was just so deep into my emotional state that I couldn't help myself. But I found the whole thing pretty engrossing.

The schedule was a dinner and warmup, then a whole day of sessions, then another dinner, then a half-day of sessions. The warmup, where I first spoke, was deceptively simple- a bunch of yes-no questions where we had to stand on one side of the room for yes and the other for no. You could stand in the middle too, if you were willing to explain yourself.

It was a strange and interesting group of people, peers of sorts who never would have met under normal circumstances, which was the whole point. As displaced as I felt, it seemed okay.

The full day of sessions was pretty draining, and all of us (meaning my family) took a break at some point just to gather ourselves. We did not tell anyone about my mom at that point, though the organizers knew. It was very structured and kept moving, with very little in presentation form. Most was directed either self-evaluation or group discussion or a combination of the two.

I didn't really get in and around Aspen much, though I went for a couple of early morning walks. It's a pretty place for the most part, with a lot of varied and in some cases stunning architecture. Downtown was a mix of bars, restaurants and high-end stores. If you want to do a few tequila shooters and then buy some Burberry, Aspen's the place for you.

You know how sometimes things seem like a blur when you look back on them? This seemed like a blur even when it was happening, so now it's like a blurred blur. But I'll say one thing, it felt healing somehow. Maybe just to get out of the immersion with my mom's death, and to get away from it with some family members made it feel okay. It's hard to describe it.

So by the middle of July I was spent, pure and simple. Just turned inside out would probably be the best way to describe how it felt. The rest of the summer has been recovering from that, I guess. As I write this I can still feel the rawness of it all. That's not all bad; a little rawness is good for personal growth, if that's something you care about. All I can do at this point is to try to make the most of it.