So how did you spend your summer vacation? Part 1

So I guess it's time to get back to this. Like anything else, blogging has this feeling where if you wait too long, it's awkward to get started again. I'm sure you've all experienced up with friends and relatives. How long can you wait between times calling people before it gets too awkward to call them again? Restarting is just hard, in my opinion at least, harder than starting in the first place.

So the answer to the question is pretty much, what vacation? This summer has been a blur, and I simply have not felt like writing about it. I think that two things conspired to make me feel like this. First, the trip to Italy, coming right before the end of school, scrambled my brain and then the rush to get finals done and graded and all just made everything very stressful. I didn't sleep well for over a month, adding to the difficulty in feeling centered.

In the midst and aftermath of the trip and end of school, my mother, who had survived ALS for nearly 15 years, was doing very poorly and finally passed away in early July. I can't bring my self to say that this was a horrible, or even bad thing. In many ways, it was the most humane and peaceful thing that could have happened. ALS is a disease without good outcomes, and this had dragged on well beyond her being debilitated to the point of her being all but inert. It was no way to live for anyone, especially my mom, who was a life force to be reckoned with.

The week that my mother died (people seem to have trouble using that word- I'm not sure when "passed" became a synonym but it's never felt quite right to me), was without a doubt one of the strangest weeks of my life. We knew the end was coming and had a chance to plan to some extent. Ronnie and I left Philly on Sunday and spent the night at my parents' house. The next morning, my father, brother, sister and I went to the hospital to be with my mother and each other. We all said our goodbyes and she was gone within hours.

To say this was an emotional moment does it no justice whatsoever, and I'll leave it at that. I lack the skill to put it in words, but it felt right for all of us to be there together, close as we're not. Maybe closer now, which would please my mom tremendously. Nonetheless, however many times we said with all sincerity that we were glad she was at peace, I don't think any of us were at peace. I certainly wasn't. I was not super close to my mom ever, really, but it was still a tremendous upheaval.

The afternoon was spent, well, telling people. Lots of phone calls and emails. It was a sad thing. We had a nice family dinner that evening with my dad and all but one of the kids and grandkids. And finally that was the end of the first day.

After a mostly sleepless night, we spent the morning preparing for the people. We had announced that we'd be receiving people at the house from 2-8 that day and the next. It was impossible to even guess how many would come. The house is big and has a deck and patio, so it can accommodate over 100 comfortably, but you need food and drinks and the like. And 6 hours is a long time.

And just walking around the house was odd. What had originally been the master bedroom had been turned into a hospital room where my mom stayed with 2 nurses behind closed doors for much of the day. I had not been in there since my mom had lost the ability to communicate, which had been several years. I waited for the nurses to dress her and bring her out in the wheelchair. But now there was nobody and nothing behind the door. The nurses and equipment were all and mostly gone, respectively. I thought about going in, but never did.

As it turned out, there were never more than around 40 people there at any given time; it was a flow in and out. Old friends and connections from business and philanthropy. Everyone wanted to pay respects and talk to each of us, whether we each knew them or not. It was interesting and warm and a bit surreal. After everyone left, a few of us had dinner and talked until my dad decided he needed sleep.

The next day was more of the same. I rode my bike for an hour or so in the morning, which wasn't easy on unfamiliar roads and little sleep. It may have cleared my head a bit, but it was kind of hard to tell for sure. Nothing seemed especially focused. A different bunch of people flowed through the house. At least there were a couple of friends of ours in the mix, which made it more comfortable.

The evening was much like the prior one, except there was much more food sitting around. People had sent all sorts of food gifts, which piled up in the kitchen and the office over the course of the day, while Ronnie and I tried to get the perishable stuff, like fresh fruit and smoked sturgeon, into the refrigerator while getting the nuts and dried fruits and crackers and such put away.

So to bed we went. It was only going to get stranger, or differently strange but definitely another thing that felt overwhelming in anticipation. But that's part 2.