Age: 55 to death

A recent issue of the Philadelphia Inquirer contained a special section titled "55+ Living." Wow, I thought, I'm 57, which is more than 55, and I'm living, so this is perfect from me.

So I open the section up and I'm completely confused. Here are the headlines about 55+ living:

• New Providence II Model: big hit at Spring Valley Village 
• Home Towne Square: A desirable community in Lancaster County
• New sites now available at Meadow Glen at Skippack
• Dublin Terrace 55-plus community now leasing
• Solana Horsham provides persopnalized assistive living care
• Discerning buyers turn to D.R. Horton
• Heritage shores: One of the best "master-planned communities" in the country
• Two local neighborhoods by Orleans Homes give convenience, privacy
• Customize your dream home at Coldstream Crossing
• Villas at Foxfield: Perfect for single, snowbirds, couple
• Downsizing in style at The Villages at Pine Valley

That's all. Wait, am I supposed to spend my 55+ years buying residences? I already have a house. Why do I need all of these?

 At this point I notice that that last article is right next to an ad for the very same Villages at Pine Valley. What a coincidence! Since it's right there I read on and Oh My God, it is so de-puh-ressing. First of all I can't even live there, because even though the article has a quote about "out 55-plus community," you actually need to be at least 62 to live there. So now I'm suspicious and I read on, only to discover that this section is very poorly titled. This section is not about 55+ living, it's abut 55+ dying, as in where am I going to live for that awkward pause between when my kids move away and the true death.

Clearly these people don't read the rest of the newspaper, because everyone knows that the kids don't really move out until they're around 30, and by that time I'll be much closer to 70, not 55 (but at least by then I'd be eligible to live at Pine Valley, where All My Children takes place). And maybe I'll eventually get to a point where "Discover just enough independence, without being alone" doesn't sound creepy, but I ain't there yet.

The rest of the information talks about how to make your new, smaller quarters seem larger, which seems to defeat the purpose of downsizing, though their ideas seem solid. Like don't keep clutter from your previous home, trade those bulky end tables for stylish, standing lamps, and my favorite, accessorize with accents. This means to add a splash of color with bright toss pillows. Toss pillows? I guess when you're 55+ you no longer have the energy to have throw pillows. There's also, more mass with glass- replace your end or coffee tables with glass. All this promises to make you new home "stylish, while being comfortable and grandchild friendly."