Something's cooking

There are few things I like to dissect as much as instruction manuals. The ones for small appliances seem particularly rich in unexpected content. So let's take a peek at the instructions that came with the MICOM Rice Cooker and Warmer, manufactured by the Zojirushi Corporation. This immediately became the most terrifying appliance in the house.

Just to review, we got this thing to cook my oatmeal. I've figured out how to do that but that's it, so now let's dig in. This isn't so easy, because the cover page lacks a picture of the device and instead has a table of contents in English and I think Japanese, Chinese and Korean. I know enough history to know that those 3 countries all hate each other, but they do all like rice. What I can see from this is that pages 8-13 are devoted to the actual cooking of the rice, and proceed as follows (all caps used to remain faithful to the original):

EXPLANATION OF RICE, TIPS TO COOKING GREAT-TASTING RICE (PREPARATION AND KEEP WARM), HOW TO COOK RICE:  BASIC COOKING STEPS, HOW TO COOK RINSE-FREE RICE, TIPS TO COOKING GREAT-TASTING RICE BY MENUS. Rice, okay, got it.

Then comes the Important Safeguards page, which is in English and French. This is the only page in French. I don't know what that means, but there are 2 additional English pages, which is where all the fun stuff is. It begins with an explication of the difference between a Warning and a Caution. This is important, and not just for cooking rice, so pay attention.

A WARNING indicates risk of serious injury. This is footnoted to offer more detail, and I quote: "Serious injury includes loss of eyesight, burns (high and low temperature), electric shock, bone fractures, toxic reactions as well as other injuries severe enough to require medical care or extended hospitalization." Whoa, all I wanted was some oatmeal. And what's a low temperature burn? Bone fractures? I guess if you dropped it on your foot or smashed your hand with it somehow. But I digress.

A CAUTION indicates risk of injury or property damage if mishandled. So wait, all that warning stuff can happen even if I don't mishandle it? There are two footnotes for cautions, to explicate injury and property damage, respectively. And I quote: "Injury indicates physical damage, burns or electric shock not severe enough to require medical attention or extended hospitalization (emphasis mine)." and "Property damage includes material damage towards a home, furniture, or pets and animals." Okay, so overnight in the ER is a caution, longer stays a warning.

Warnings and cautions are then broken into three subcategories, all represented with their own pictograph. There are CAUTIONS (triangle), PROHIBITED OPERATIONS (circle with slash through it), and INSTRUCTIONS THAT MUST BE FOLLOWED (filled in circle). It notes that specific indications about these will either have additional "sentences or illustrations" to clarify.

To this point, I have finished just the top 3 inches of page 4. The bottom of page 4 has all the warnings, while page 5 has cautions and other things just labeled "Important." I'm already exhausted.

Six of the 13 warnings involve plugging the unit in, which you should not do with wet hands, with a folded, twisted, pulled or modified power cord, with any other device in the same outlet, or with a soiled plug. The others prohibit modifying the unit, immersing it in water, letting children or infants operate the unit, and sticking "metal objects such as pins or wires into the holes located at the bottom of the Rice Cooker."

Five of the 12 cautions also involve the plug and another 3 say to not touch things when they're hot, but they also prohibit using the Rice Cooker near walls or furniture (No furniture? I guess you're supposed to hold it? Put it on the floor? Suspend it from the ceiling?), opening it and moving it at the same time.

And finally, we are done with that section of the manual, at the bottom of page 5. We'll get to the next page, titled PARTS NAMES AND FUNCTIONS, next time.