Non-compliant

I have been taking out the trash since I was about 8 (before that we lived in an apartment building and the trash just went down a chute near the elevator and into an incinerator. Funny how I can remember that and not where I left my reading glasses). I have been taking out trash at my current address for 18 years, and I am here to announce that I have just been found non-compliant with the Lower Merion Township Refuse/Recycling Rules and Regulations, and thank goodness there are both rules and regulations, because just rules or regulations probably wouldn't be enough. The notice, which was left in my recycling bin, informs me that future non-conformance may result in non-collection, and though my friend tells me he gets one of these every week, I fear non-collection.

To be helpful (I guess) the notice has a whole series of check boxes to designate what sort of errors I made in my disposal methodology. There's a column on Recycling and one on Refuse. Penn and Teller once did a whole show on the ridiculous lengths people will go to in order to recycle- they asked people if they were willing to sort their recycling into 10 different bins, including one for "slightly used paper towels." My sins were in the arena of Newsprint/Mixed Paper. My corrugated cardboard was not "broken down and tied in bundles no bigger than 4 foot x 4 foot x 12 inches." Now what the heck does that mean? Broken down? Like by bacteria? I've never seen cardboard I'd describe as broken, down or otherwise. It also "must be bundled and tied ...or in brown paper bags, nothing in boxes." That's just silly. The thing I was recycling was boxes. So I have to put my boxes in paper bags? What if I have a box of paper bags? What should I do with that, smart guy?

Two other failings to add to my too-long list: I seem to have tried to recycle something called "waxed cardboard." I do not know what that is. I guess I'll have to check all my cardboard now and make sure none of it is shiny. And finally, I had "Paper and Commingled mixed." Sorry, I thought commingled meant mixed.

Fortunately, I seem to have escaped being scolded for anything else, including trying to recycle windows, lightbulbs, paint cans or TV dinners (does anyone even know what a TV dinner is anymore?), or discard any "dirt, rocks or trash." Huh? Why in the world would anyone have dirt and rocks they wanted to throw away? Where would they have been keeping it? And trash? No trash in the trash? I'm befuddled.

Fortunately, this was only my first notice, so hopefully I won't have to leave next week's trash on the steps of the township building.