Needless Complexity, Part 3.2.11 (updated)

One of the things parents tell kids is that they don't have to worry about the big stuff, that the adults take care of that. This may be true, but it doesn't mean that adults don't have to deal with the small stuff too. In fact, most of what any adult deals with is small and even tiny. But that doesn't make it unimportant or boring.

For example, we got a new toaster oven. The old one had a door that kept separating from its hinge, so we gave up on it. So as part of my mission to document the mundaneness of being an "adult," I will take you though the as yet uncompleted process of incorporating this device into our lives.

The box warns that for my continued enjoyment I should read the instructions and I'm in this for the long haul, so I'll commit to the instruction book. The instruction book is wrapped in a plastic bag that warns me of all sorts of horrible consequences should I misuse or allow others to misuse the bag. The instructions then, after an opening paragraphs that tell me, among other things, that I am about to experience the ultimate in countertop cooking convenience, provides me with a list of 24 IMPORTANT SAFEGUARDS. The warning labels for appliances have been pretty much completely mined by stand-up comics, so after noting that they begin with the traditional: 1. Read all instructions, I'll skip to the important ones.

9. Do not let cord hang over the edge of the table or countertop where it could be pulled on inadvertently by children or pets...(and by extension, do not dangle unit out of the window where it could be dropped inadvertently onto the heads of passersby).

10. Do not place toaster oven broiler on or near a hot gas or electric burner or in a heated oven (emphasis mine). As I usually do when I don't understand things, I asked my 17 year-old daughter why someone might put a toaster oven in a heated oven and she replied simply, "Maybe to make things cook faster." and I have nothing to add to that.

11. Do not use this toaster oven broiler for anything other than its intended purpose. This is good advice for almost anything, but I thought I was buying a toaster oven and I've learned by reading the safeguards that there's a yet a third purpose for this device that I had not intended. This worries me. I'd better keep reading.

There's a long introduction, which extols the device's toasting prowess, promised by its "Perfect Timing Touchpad Control." Okay then, this reminds me of when I asked a car salesman how the hybrid car got such good mileage and he said enthusiastically in a thick Scottish accent, "Technology!"

The section notes that if you want to toast bagels or English muffins, to just press the "Bagel" button and "the toaster will add the extra time needed for these baked favorites." I just want to note for the record that English muffins are not baked. That's why you never eat them without toasting them. English muffins are made by letting the dough rise 3 times and then browning them on a griddle (on corn meal, the stuff that gets all over the counter).

I barely have the energy to read the rest of the instructions, much less report on them, so I'll just hit a couple of highlights.

The manual helpfully notes that toasting is a combination of cooking and drying bread.

Users are advised that, when toasting raisin or other fruit breads to remove loose fruit from the surface of the bread, because that will help prevent pieces from falling onto the crumb tray.

The "Perfect Timing Touchpad Control" has a total of 70 toasting permutations, including first defrosting bread, then toasting it to 7 different levels of doneness.

There are a several recipes in the back, the most alarming of which is Dijon Glazed Swordfish. Does anybody cook real food in a toaster oven? Or even a toaster oven broiler? There are instructions in here for roasting a chicken. Does a chicken even fit in a toaster oven? The most sophisticated thing I cook in a toaster oven is Tater Tots.

I'll report back on the toaster oven broiler itself once I've removed it from the box.