Bar Mitzvah Report

Reader Discretion Advised - Contains some complaints and downright whining

I had the opportunity to attend a Bar Mitzvah this weekend in New Jersey. It was an upscale affair, with a Beatles theme (when I was a kid, the theme was always "Bar Mitzvah"). The room was decorated in a very cool way and the music was excellent and the DJ's dancers were early rounders from So You Think You can Dance. The kids were cute and funny and had a really good time. Everything was well done and terrific and I hated it.

It was nothing about this specific event. I've never been to one of these parties where I wasn't generally put out. I tried to figure out why, aside from the ridiculous music volume (I'm sorry, does anybody really want it that loud), and the best thing I could come up with is that I have issues with authority. I don't like people telling me what to do. "Get up!" "Dance" "Raise Your Arms Up" "All the men on the floor!" "Everybody up here for a picture!" And if someone tells me to do something and I don't, I really do not want the next words out of their mouth to be "Come on..."

Plus it's always the same. Who decided that a half hour of a party should be devoted to lighting candles? All good parties have their own momentum and nothing kills momentum like sitting for 30 minutes and listening to an extended Academy Award acceptance speech. That's why they have reminder music at the Oscars, but here they play the music and then the honoree just starts right up again as soon as the music's over. So if it's always the same and they play the music too loud to talk to anyone (I swear I'm bringing earplugs next time), what do I do?

Unfortunately, I'm no longer allowed to do what I did when I was younger, which is to misbehave. I saw lots of kids behaving miserably but everyone thought it was cute. Nobody would think it was cute if I laid down on my back on the stage and started screaming. Why is that? I'm just as cute as any 5 year-old. But I can't even act like I want to misbehave because it will upset people. And I don't even get a hoodie.

Okay, I've said it. Now I feel better.