It's all Jefferson's fault

I was just reading a depressing article about the state of the American family. People, especially educated, upper middle class people, are feeling very stretched and stressed out. They feel torn between job and home, especially when they have young kids. Of course they're torn. It's a binary choice.  You can't be at work and at home. You can't be hanging out with your baby and expecting to earn a significant income. You can't help feeling like you're missing out if you're not home with the baby and good luck trying to juggle them both.

It's all Jefferson's fault. Why did he have to put "pursuit of happiness" in the Declaration of Independence? What did happiness have to do with anything? I had a cynical hippyish teacher in middle school, known in school circles as the guy who burned the dollar bill at the podium on Parents' Night ( it was the 60's) who said it should say "pursuit of property." But pursuing happiness is a relatively new and specifically American thing.

Let me start by saying that if you have to pursue happiness in the first place then something's out of order in your life. Happiness should be a state of being, not a pursuit. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I'm happy 24/7, but I sure don't go out looking for extra, and all-the-time happiness is an impossible standard anyway. If we've learned anything from pop culture this year, it's that happiness has to coexist with sadness in order to have a fulfilling life.

To my mind, the key is understanding what makes you happy, as differentiated from what gives you pleasure. That takes a level of self-examination that most people really aren't up for, especially the tired, stressed ones. Too bad, because they need it the most.

Part of the problem is the expectation of being amused and interested at all times. I'm tired of hearing how people are bored. Existence isn't boring. One of my favorite quotes from Car Talk was when Tom Magliozzi reacted to someone calling something as boring as watching paint dry. He said he'd painted something that weekend and watched it dry and that, you know, it wasn't that boring. Fun and entertainment aren't the same thing. Neither are amusement and happiness.

Everyone has choices. I'll be the first to admit that mine have been easier than most people's, but that doesn't change my inclination to take things as they come and not let the perfect be the enemy of the good. But if you make a choice and then continue to stress out about it, you haven't committed to the choice. It's FOMO for grown ups. There are lots of paths I could have taken but I took the one I'm on. And that's okay, whatever it is.