Visiting the Old Country

Yesterday, we drove up to New York, Queens actually, to visit my wife's mom and sister. We see them 3 or 4 times a year and I'm quite fond of them. My mother-in-law (this takes too long to type so she will now be known by her initials AJK) is a teacher (of course) who retired from the NYC public schools about 20 years ago and started working part-time at a school for Orthodox Jewish girls. She still teaches there, and her warmth and encyclopedic knowledge of literature make her class exciting for the students, in spite of the strict limits on content (did you know Ethan Frome was too racy?).

AJK lives alone in the house where she's lived for almost 60 years. My father in law, who was not a nice man, died several years ago. It doesn't smell like an old person's house, which is unusual in my experience, and the only thing that's really old about her manner is that she keeps talking abut how old she is. She was telling me a couple of stories, unusual in that I hadn't heard them before, about how when she was a young woman still living with her mother, she was presented with opportunities to advance herself and her mother forbid her to pursue them. She has a practiced wistfulness when she talks about these things, as if she's trying to convince herself that she has no regrets, which is how she always closes these kinds of stories.

And at this point, that's healthy, I guess. A life's path is full of things done that can't be undone and said that can't be unsaid, and you can't worry about what might have happened. In general, I think people are often scared to act because they're afraid of the consequences and they limit themselves in the process. Well I'm here to tell you that not acting is a decision with consequences too. You can trick yourself into thinking you haven't made a decision, but you have made one and all the tricks do is keep you from learning from your mistakes. There were plenty of times in my life when I might have taken decisive action and changed my course but too many (I think?) times I didn't because I was unsure or cautious or scared. My life would have gone some different way- better, worse, or both- and it makes no difference how I came to this path; it was my decisions or lack thereof that led me here.

I'm fortunate in that I'm happy where I've ended up. My life's not perfect but it's pretty darned good. I think for the most part AJK feels the same way too, but I do hope I can avoid that wistfulness when I'm older and focus on my goals of being eccentric and cranky.